9 signs your boyfriend is controlling you
Dealing with a controlling friend can be pretty nerve wracking. But here I’ll give you a few tricks and tips to help you regain your self-esteem.
Jen was pretty sure about Sam. Even though they’ve only just started dating each other, it seemed like the two had a forever connection. After just a few days, they shouldn’t be able to keep their hands off each other; the fire of lust burned her body and soul. The chemistry between them just got better and better. Jen had never felt like this in her entire life. She was on cloud nine. Sam was the perfect man for her.
And you know what? He was even so protective and possessive of her. How sweet! He couldn’t even stand other guys eyeing her! Isn’t that hot? OMG! Yes.
But for how long?
When does it start crossing the line?
When two people date in the heat of attraction, they blindly go to each other’s weaknesses and focus only on the positives that could be beneficial to the relationship. What I’m saying is that even if you’re both in the honeymoon phase of your relationship, it sounds lovely if your partner wants to kill you.
When it comes to a romantic relationship, there is a fine line between obsession, possession, infatuation and protection, caring and love. If you look closely, you can tell if your partner crosses that thin line and jumps to the wrong side.
Up to a point, possessive behavior is natural and desirable. But when he starts to get controlling, he emotionally abuses you. Because you should still be hesitating about whether you enjoy the possessive behavior or whether you deeply despise it. In all this confusion you will slowly lose your luck.
If his recent behavior is making you feel intimidated, anxious, reserved, and manipulated, you need to start investigating the causes. Remember that you are better off leaving a relationship that is interfering with your mental health.
How Can You Know If You Have a Controlling Boyfriend?
The interesting thing is that even in the early stages of the relationship, your boyfriend will start exhibiting these overpossessive and controlling behaviors. Some controlling behaviors are very subtle, narrowly escaping your attention, only to gradually take shape in the form of persuasive suggestions.
Paying close attention to his behavior can help you determine if his jealousy is overdoing it.
Review these common behaviors your controlling friend might exhibit to see if he’s going to be a future manipulator:
1. He’s trying to snoop through your phone.
You are with him and your phone is ringing. He goes, “Who is it, baby?” Doesn’t that sound cute?
After all, he wants to know who else is vying for your attention! This can be flattering at first, but when it gets to the point where he’s asking for your phone to go through your call and text logs, that’s not sweet anymore.
You might as well have no reason to hide something from him, so you go along with it. The warning sign of this: You are setting standards for how he should treat you later in a relationship – like dirt!
So take action immediately.
What you can do about it:
The moment he asks you to control your phone, you are telling your controlling boyfriend that you deserve your personal space just like he has his.
Explain the importance of respecting each other’s privacy. This includes things that you can only share with yourself and that others, including him, have no right to intrude on. Make it clear that you’re not snooping on his phone and neither should he be!
You have to take the first step and decide what you can and aren’t comfortable sharing with him (and that sharing your phone activity is part of it).
2. Become the fashion police.
You both get ready for a party and you put on a lovely mini skirt that you’ve always wanted to wear. You think to yourself, “He would love that.”
You’re obviously super excited when you see your boyfriend’s facial expression when you make out. Tadaa!
He’s over the moon when he breaks free from your audacity! He calmly tells you to go and change your dress and you are amazed at his behavior. Why shouldn’t you be?
A controlling friend will politely tell you what to wear and what not to wear because there are predators just waiting to tear you apart! And again, very sadly, you will obey him, because his behavior comes in the guise of caring.
What you can do about it:
Never change the way you dress for him. I repeat: NEVER.
You are an adult and have the maturity to decide which dress on you looks vulgar, out of context and weird and which doesn’t. If you’re comfortable in a dress, you should never refrain from wearing it, no matter how “revealing” or “revealing” it is!
3. Trying to disrupt your alone time.
Everyone needs time for themselves to reflect on their day and work out their personal problems. It’s natural for your partner to want the most attention and time to themselves, but it’s unacceptable if he/she doesn’t even give you time for themselves.
If he doesn’t respect your personal space and tries to gain access to your phone’s passwords or other social media accounts you have, you need to be aware that eventually he won’t respect you anymore.
What you can do about it:
Face your controlling boyfriend and talk to him about time management and how you can both maximize the time you spend with your partner, leaving enough room for your “me time” that he doesn’t want to interfere with .
Because in the “we time” it’s all about you and him and in the “me time” it’s all about you and your very personal space.
Teach him the importance of staying away from your partner for an extended period of time. After all, it is a dictum: “Absence makes the heart more beautiful” .
4. He has a problem with everyone involved with you.
This sign is difficult to spot, especially when you know he has your best interests at heart. Every person you associate with is someone secretly trying to harm you or your relationship.
He’ll explain exactly why it’s safe to avoid the guy who flirts with you (your buddy who’s gay!), or the guy at work who gives you too much attention, or the guy at the gym who who hits you, or that guy who sat next to you on public transport!
It’s concerning when really perverted people are sneaking around, but every other person you deal with can’t be a threat to you. You’re just a threat to his ego.
What you can do about it:
You need to make it clear to him that you’re emotionally mature enough to deal with creeps who might be out to get you.
You need to make it clear to your controlling boyfriend that it’s not possible for everyone to have a lovely interest in you. If that’s the case, you should let him know that you can use a few tricks.
5. He constantly doubts and questions you.
You tell him on the phone that you’re going to your dance class, and he calls every 10 minutes to “check on you and see if you’re okay.”
I’m telling you, he’s not concerned for your safety, he’s just insecure. And that is one of the main signs that he is controlling you.
Everything looks fine within the limits. If it crosses the line, it becomes a warning sign, shoved right in your face!
Initially, 10-20 calls will seem like they’re dying without you and missing every molecule of you. But over time, he will start crossing borders to ask you about the path you took or if someone is accompanying you, or he will even end up asking you if you lied to him about where to go goes or not. This is one of the main signs that he is a controlling boyfriend.
Does that sound hot now?
What you can do about it:
Never ask questions that feed his insecurities.
Also, don’t answer questions that you think will turn you off and make him doubt you and blame you for things you never did. Make it clear to your controlling friend that you are genuinely loyal and want to be respected for it.
The more you answer his questions, the worse he will treat you because you are giving him what he wants — control over you.
6. He stalks you.
The worst form of manipulation your controlling friend can use against you is stalking, whether in person or on social media.
Let’s say you informed your boyfriend about a sudden plan you made with your girlfriends after your office. Did he mysteriously show up at your office after work to pay you a surprise visit? Were you secretly upset by his behavior?
If you express your disappointment at this, he will go one step further and successfully make you feel guilty about your behavior.
Does he often come by to surprise you? You might like this at first, before the “surprises” become an “obvious habit.”
He may even adopt false identities on social media to free himself from “what you do.” Having your every move followed counts as manipulation and emotional abuse
What you can do about it:
Let your controlling friend know that their strange stalking behavior is no longer a secret. Don’t play along.
Tell him outright that this stalking is toxic to your relationship. If he worries enough, he will stop immediately.
7. Outbursts of anger if you don’t answer him right away.
A controlling friend always gets angry when his calls or texts go unanswered. In most cases it is not intentional on your part. Maybe your phone is on silent, you’re stuck in a certain situation, or you’ve lost your phone altogether! Whatever the reason, he will be angry if he doesn’t get what he wants.
A controlling friend will never consider anything in your life more important than themselves.
What you can do about it:
Don’t feed his immaturity yet. Explain to your controlling friend that there will be situations where something other than him has priority. If he understands you, that’s fine. If not, he’s not worth bothering with.
8. He explodes if you use your phone in his presence.
You touch your phone to use it, look at his face and his expression changes. You feel like he caught you in the act of cheating.
He wants you 100% to himself and doesn’t want to waste a second on any nonsensical texts. It might be a text, email, or phone call that needs your immediate attention, but who cares? What else can be more important to you than his attention? This is another important sign that he is a controlling boyfriend.
What you can do about it:
Tell him that he is an important part of your life, but that other things desperately need your attention and time. That doesn’t take away his place in your heart.
9. He intimidates you.
Your friend needs to be someone who understands you and puts your mind at ease, not someone who makes you anxious and nervous. Dating a controlling boyfriend is like walking on eggshells. It’s ridiculous how trivial behavior on your part can upset him.
You literally have to think a million times before you say or do anything because you have no idea what might trigger its triggers!
If you want to go to the movies with your girlfriends, you need to ask his permission, explain how you’re going to do it, give him your girlfriends’ names, numbers, and addresses, and so on. This may sound absurd, but trust me, that’s the way it is! Sometimes you avoid people altogether, isolating yourself socially just to entertain his “I just want you for me!” fantasies.
Does his mere presence make you faltering, fearful, or wary of your natural behavior? Do you have to mold yourself to his needs at the expense of your authenticity?
If you answer yes to both questions, you’re dealing with a manipulator at his best!
What you can do about it:
You have to understand that this type of controlling boyfriend is slowly squeezing your freedom and independence. You will gradually lose your identity and become a mere puppet driven by his needs. Man up.
DO NOT cater to their unrealistic, illogical wants and needs. Let him know that you are an independent person and that you don’t need him in your life, you want him.
Summarized…
There may be many other suspicious behaviors in your controlling friend that are not included in the list that fall under the covert manipulation category. Most of the time, it’s not as if this need for control stems from having low self-esteem and an insecure core. He is driven by fears of “not earning you,” “not worthy enough,” and “not being up to speed.”
Most often, these men have had bad experiences themselves in the past of being emotionally abused , bullied, cheated, and manipulated.
As a partner, you need to create a comfortable space in the relationship for him to easily share his insecurities that underlie his controlling and manipulative behavior. So maybe he can understand where he is going wrong.
