Longing for love: where it comes from and how to deal with it
They just exist: those days when you feel sad and lonely. Sometimes the feeling builds slowly, other times it comes out of nowhere and hits you all of a sudden. You suddenly have the impression that you are all alone in the world and want nothing more than to be loved, to have butterflies in your stomach and to get love from someone else. Why is everyone lucky in love except me? This longing for love is completely normal and can occur briefly, but also over a longer period of time. Every human being has a basic longing for love, because we all long to be loved and to belong. But how does this feeling arise and how can you deal with it? We’ll tell you here.
Longing for love: where does it come from?
Longing for love is a widespread feeling. It is therefore no wonder that they can also be viewed scientifically.
- Biology: When people long for love, they go looking for a partner. So feeling serves the purpose of procreating and maintaining our kind through having children.
- Philosophy: Here the longing for love is described as the cornerstone of our social life. In addition to speaking, thinking and feeling, it is one of the characteristics that make us human.
- Psychology: Psychologists believe that longing for love gives us self-confidence and a sense of self-worth.
The fact is: The longing for love definitely has a purpose. It is good for us to believe in and yearn for true love. However, it becomes a problem if the longing is felt for a particularly long time and particularly strongly , but remains unfulfilled. This can make us feel desperate, which in turn is counterproductive to our search for and happiness in love. Longing for love is often related to a low level of self-love and can therefore appear both as a single person and in a partnership.
Longing for love as a single
Anyone who currently has no partner could feel a longing for love more often. Of course, that depends on how long you’ve been single, whether you’ve just broken up, whether there’s unrequited love involved, or whether you’re happily single or not. When you are single, a longing for love can appear in the following situations:
- Evenings or weekends alone on the couch/at home alone
- Occasions in which love (family and children) is in the foreground, such as a wedding, birth or baptism
- Desire for affection
- Problems where you would like support from another person (e.g. trouble at work, bad day, illness)
- Events and parties where most friends or people with +1 appear
- Stupid sayings about the inability to relate or stubborn inquiries about one’s own relationship status, along the lines of “Why doesn’t anyone want you?”
The decisive factor here is how long the longing for love lasts and how you deal with it. Singles who have healthy self-esteem and know they’re good enough on their own will get through these lows unscathed. However, if you are single and feel little or no self-love, you can also get lost in this negative hole, questioning whether you will find love and becoming frustrated.
Longing for love in a partnership
But not only when single, but also in a relationship you can feel the longing for love. Here, too, the duration, intensity and interaction among each other in the relationship play a role. Longing can occur with just one person in the relationship or with both, possibly with different intensities. Signs of this would be:
- You ask yourself whether you should break up, but you don’t really think about it
- You feel lonely, misunderstood or not valued
- One has the feeling of doing more for the relationship than the other ( see also: Toxic relationship checklist )
- You’re in a long-distance relationship and you spend a lot of time longing for each other
- You want to be a father/mother and have children, but the other person isn’t ready yet
If you long for love within a relationship, it could indicate that your partner may not be right for you. Or it could mean that the unhappy relationship is both no longer fulfilling and should be ended. But maybe it is also a personal problem: Can one of the two not accept love? Can one of the two not open properly? Here, too, you should take a close look at the factors of self-worth and self-love if you want to save the relationship.
Longing for love: How to deal with it
If you feel longing for love, you don’t have to despair. This emotion is perfectly fine and you should allow it. If you suppress it, it could only get worse. We have listed a few strategies that can help you deal with the longing.
In the short term: distract
When you’re feeling lonely and feeling sad, the first step is to distract yourself from the negative emotions and do something to take your mind off things. Of course, you shouldn’t repress your feelings—accept them, but then shift your attention to something new.
- Hobby: Whether you like to read a book, do sports or want to start a DIY project: A familiar or new hobby is a wonderful distraction from lovesickness and sad emotions.
- Friends and family: A conversation with someone you trust can also help to think of other and nicer thoughts. In our heads, the problems are often much bigger than they actually are. A discussion helps.
- Get out into the fresh air: Even a walk, a short excursion or even a trip can help to leave the longing behind. A change of scenery often works wonders.
- Comfort: Is there a song, movie, dish, or book that always makes you feel better? Bring it on.
Long-term: Analyzing and understanding thought patterns
If you often lose yourself in longing for love and lovesickness, in the long run you should try to understand these feelings and deal with them better.
- Journal: Keep a journal and note when the negative feelings arise and if anything triggered them. This way you can better understand the emergence of your longing and maybe even prevent it.
- Self-love and self-esteem: Actively work on your relationship with yourself. The saying “you can only be loved if you love yourself” can be annoying, but it’s true. Deal with yourself and strengthen your bond with yourself.
- Be good to yourself: In any case, it is very important that you treat yourself with love and care. Because with pressure or stress you will only increase your negative feelings.
- Find support : Do I swap ideas with someone I trust or talk to a therapist about your longings and your relationship to love. With outside help, you can better understand and deal with your thought patterns.
Don’t forget: longing for love is a normal and important feeling. Don’t be ashamed of it, just try to accept it. And remember, no matter how hopeless it may seem at times, you deserve to be loved and you will get your happy ending and your affection. Find the love within yourself – the rest will work itself out.