Being in love is one of the most beautiful feelings on earth. Except when you’ve fallen in love with someone else. Find out what to do now here.
Sometimes it happens quicker than you think: you’ve fallen in love with someone else or you feel like you might develop feelings for someone else outside of the relationship. This emotional tangle can be quite overwhelming and leave you with a lot of unresolved questions.
So what is the best way to deal with the situation? We have put together a little guide for you that will ensure you know what to do sooner or later.
In love with someone else: What should I do now?
Anyone who falls in love with someone else is not to be envied. Of course, your feelings for the other person confuse you. Falling in love is enough to completely throw you off track. But if falling in love is not allowed, what then?
So here are a few tips that you should take to heart so that you can get out of the complicated emotional situation and the strange three-way constellation. And unfortunately, you have the role of the decision maker, you have to get it done because you are the link between everyone involved.
1. Don’t hate yourself if you’ve fallen in love with someone else
If you are not aiming for an open or polyamorous relationship, then the problem is quite obvious. Three is one too many.
But what do you do if you are in love and at the same time know that you are cheating on your partner in your thoughts and lying to him or her? After all, in a good relationship or marriage, you always tell each other how you are, what you are feeling, and what problems you are going through. And suddenly you can no longer do that. Or should you reveal yourself to the other person directly?
First of all: As honorable as these thoughts are, not wanting to lie to the person at your side, you should still hold back for now. There’s no point in explaining everything too quickly just because you feel so bad.
Because it can happen to anyone that you fall in love with someone else and you shouldn’t judge anyone for it – not even yourself. Being enthusiastic about a person and falling in love with them is normal.
What is important is how you behave now. So whether you want to end your relationship or marriage and start a relationship with the new person or not. That depends entirely on your feelings. Sometimes we experience a romantic mental movie for a while, but that is exactly what it should remain: only in our heads or as a short crush that passes.
Being in love doesn’t automatically mean love and sometimes it just remains a brief crush. So once again: falling in love with someone else is not a crime. It’s only when an affair with love and everything that goes with it happens behind your partner’s back that it becomes difficult and even unfair.
Of course, there are just as many cases where you quickly realize that you want to break up with someone for your new love. Because it is more than just a little crush. But even then, you are not a malicious person just because you have fallen in love again. Realize that, even if it is difficult.
The question of how serious your feelings are, whether your old love, your old life with your partner as a well-coordinated team is more important to you, or your feelings for the new acquaintance, is something only you can know. Let’s hope that you soon find out for yourself whether it is just a brief outburst or something serious.
2. Look for the reasons: Why did you fall in love?
There may be people who say that falling in love with someone else doesn’t happen in a happy relationship or marriage and that you then have no eyes for anyone else. That may or may not be true. At the beginning of a relationship, you may not fall in love with someone else.
But if you have been together for a long time and the wild feelings of the early days have given way to a calmer, deeper love, then it can still happen that you fall in love with someone else – without this immediately revealing the old love as bad and broken. Simply because being newly in love is so different from the familiar, calm love with a long-term partner.
Nevertheless, it is important to be clear about possible reasons for falling in love with someone else:
- Look for answers to the questions: Why did I fall in love with someone else at this particular time? Was there an unfulfilled shared wish, be it a desire to have children, to get married, or to have a home together? Are there things that aren’t going well for you as a couple?
- Why did I fall in love with this particular person? What does he have that appeals to me, what am I perhaps missing in my relationship? Perhaps you have fallen in love with someone else because this person is the exact opposite of your partner, which appeals to you but ultimately doesn’t make you happy or doesn’t suit you.
- Have I simply missed undivided attention in my relationship or marriage, or the feeling of being desired and noticed?
- Was there something missing in my current relationship that I was perhaps not even aware of? Take some time to think about whether there were needs in the relationship that were not being met.
- But: There doesn’t always have to be a specific reason to fall in love with someone else. Sometimes you just meet a wonderful person without anything having been wrong beforehand or there being a specific reason. That’s also quite possible.
3. Should you confess immediately if you have fallen in love with someone else?
The big question is, of course: should you confess everything straight away or not? What is important here is of course how far you have gone with the other person. Have you only met and flirted? Just emails and phone calls? Did you embrace or have love? Are you having something like an affair or is it all just a silent crush and infatuation?
To tell or not: There will certainly be people who know exactly what to do here. But for all those who have doubts and are unclear, remember that it will be very painful for your partner to hear about your feelings for someone else. So don’t be too quick to give them that stab. Maybe you’ll forget the other person pretty quickly?
There are certain relationships where openness is the only way to go if one of the two is in love with someone else. But certain people say: “Don’t hurt me unnecessarily. Only tell me if it’s something serious. Otherwise, I don’t want to know.” Because not everyone can handle such an injury in the same way.
So, judge for yourself whether you are in a “let’s talk about everything” relationship or whether you have a more vulnerable person at your side who would be overwhelmed and permanently unsettled by your openness. Something like that, followed by mistrust and jealousy, can also ruin a relationship – even though you were honest and open.
Sometimes it is more important to us to ease our conscience so that we do not even notice that the other person may not want to know this.
4. Give yourself some time (first)
Of course, you have to think about how you want to proceed. Because as beautiful and perhaps understandable as being in love may be, you also have a responsibility.
It takes clarity and willpower to treat your current partner with care and respect. Even if your head is spinning from being in love with someone else, try to stay calm. And by the way, that’s only fair to the third party in the relationship too.
And there is another reason why you shouldn’t rush into anything: being in love is an exceptional state, it’s like being on drugs. And not everyone can make long-term decisions in this state.
Therefore, try to calm down for a moment and think clearly. And an old relationship should be worth it so that you don’t throw it away in the heat of the moment. Especially not if you have children together.
5. Question your feelings and the consequences
As mentioned above, you should first be clear about your feelings. Is the new person in your life so important to you that you would end your old relationship for him or her, or is he or she not important for whatever reason?
This all-important question may be difficult to answer at first, because the wild, confusing new feelings are compared to the feelings in your existing relationship. It’s not always easy to compare and weigh things up.
Here are some helpful questions if you’ve fallen in love with someone else:
- Would I leave my old partner for the new person? How strong are my feelings for this person? Is it more than just a crush?
- Will the new love survive everyday life? Will we still love each other when we have to go through difficult times?
- Would I be able to imagine a life without the relationship or marriage with my old partner or will I miss this person too much in my life?
- Are there reasons in my relationship or marriage why I fell in love with this particular person? Was there something missing in the relationship? Were there conflicts in everyday life? (If so, this is something that needs to be discussed first)
- What about the new person in my life: Is he ready for more than an affair? Or was the mutual attraction based more on the fact that everything was secret?
- What needs does this person have in a relationship and do they match yours?
- Will the other person be able to cope with everything that separation entails, even if I cry and rage and have heartbreak?
- Very important if there are children: How will they fare if I separate?
Once you have been able to sort out your feelings sufficiently, it might also make sense to think about an alternative relationship model. Because just because you have fallen in love with someone else doesn’t automatically mean that you want to leave your current partner behind – keyword polyamory.
6. Distance provides clarity
Of course, it won’t help much if you throw yourself into the whole thing. That is if you meet your new lover and at the same time maintain contact with your partner or the relationship. That way you won’t get much clarity.
Therefore: keep your distance. In most cases, it helps to first withdraw from such a difficult situation to get clear.
Talking to outsiders can also help. However, most friends have a hard time dealing with it when they find out that you’ve fallen in love with someone else. Often the only advice they get is to “listen to your heart.” And that doesn’t work very well.
Some friends may take your confession of being in love with someone else as an opportunity to finally share their views on your partner. “I always thought he was weird…” These are also not very helpful answers.
Therefore, it is best to consult someone who is not too close to you and who has the necessary distance and objectivity to give you advice. You don’t have to go into detail, just ask: “Imagine you fell in love with someone else while you were in a relationship: How would you act?”
Someone who has been in a similar situation will surely be able to give you good tips and helpful answers. And professional help can also be helpful here.
7. Be fair and don’t wait forever
Even if you shouldn’t rush into anything at the beginning, the advice is clear: don’t wait forever for fear of making the wrong decision. That will only wear everyone down and it’s not fair.
That’s why you should decide for or against someone you love at some point. No matter how much it hurts. No matter what you do, you can make mistakes, but if you do nothing at all, it’s almost worse.
Particularly difficult: falling in love with someone else despite having children together
The situation is of course particularly difficult if you have built a life together. Not only do you live together, perhaps have bought a house or an apartment together, or are married, but you also have children together. Children in particular are often the ones who suffer when a separation occurs.
Even if you stay in the relationship and there are “only” arguments and jealousy scenes, you should try to keep the children out of it or explain things to them that scare them. Children sense more than we think. Even if we are sure that they don’t notice anything, they have already noticed that something is wrong.
That’s why you should always think carefully about whether it’s worth separating for your children or whether you might want to save your family. No one has to sacrifice themselves for their children or hold on to a broken relationship, but you should include the well-being of the children in your considerations. And right at the forefront.
Once the decision has been made
Rose-tinted glasses or a well-rehearsed team, excitement or familiarity, ending or staying: no matter what your decision is, there are a few simple rules that you should follow once you have decided who you want to be in a relationship with.
If you have decided to separate
- A clarifying conversation is the least you owe your partner after a separation.
- After that, however, you should try to avoid him/her for the time being. Every time he/she sees you or hears from you, you are only reopening old wounds. Take that to heart.
- If you have children together, then find a solution together for the benefit of the children. Fixed rules for interaction are essential here.
- Take it slowly. It might work to move straight from your apartment to your new partner after a breakup. But it might not.
- It is better to think about the situation calmly and only then rush into a new relationship.
- Think carefully: What will your future look like? Are there things that worry you? Then find someone to talk to and get help in this situation of upheaval and uncertainty.
If you have decided against a separation – for your partner
- The question of whether to confess everything or not is now even more relevant. Think about what will ultimately help you more: getting everything off your chest in detail, telling what is essential, or keeping quiet is better.
- Regardless of whether you tell everyone everything or not, you still need to talk in your relationship. Because the complicated situation means that there will be a lot of problems. Clear up conflict points, and talk about things that have been unresolved for a long time.
- Do relationships work, as silly as that may sound? If you want to save a relationship or marriage, you have to work on it. Both parties have to work on it. If only the “guilty” person is willing to do something for the relationship, that is not enough.
- And another important point: Stay away from the other person you have fallen in love with, even if it is difficult. You owe this not only to your relationship or marriage but also to the person you have decided against. They also have a right to be happy again.
No matter what you decide, try to be fair to everyone involved. Even to yourself.
