When it comes to love, many things still seem inexplicable. Why do we fall out of love in a relationship? And why are we often unable to let go, even though someone is not good for us? Psychology has an answer here.
There is this painful moment when you have to admit that love is over. Anyone who has been in a relationship for a long time knows this.
At some point, you wake up and realize that love has become something else. Friendship, mere sympathy, or maybe even indifference and antipathy – in any case, no longer love. What exactly happens when THAT one person becomes one among many without us wanting it?
At the same time, there are moments in life when we wish we could fall out of love as quickly as possible, for example, because the love is not mutual and we are suffering from heartbreak.
And whether we love or fall out of love, both seem to just happen to us without us having any influence over it. Or do we?
The Phases of Love: Infatuation and Intimacy
Love is the most beautiful feeling in the world and yet the most mysterious. To understand it better, you first have to know the phases of love.
Psychology distinguishes between two aspects of love: Firstly, there is what we primarily associate with love, namely the feeling of being in love and passionate love. Secondly, there is also companionate love. This develops over time from the feeling of deep intimacy with one’s partner.
The change from the initial phase of being in love to the calmer phase of deeper love and intimacy is a completely normal process, as psychology professor Lars Penke explains in an interview with the health portal Onmeda.
At the beginning of a relationship, we give it our all. We want to convince the other person of our abilities and win them over.
Everything is still uncertain and that is exactly what the initial infatuation in a relationship is all about. The great uncertainty and the longing for a reciprocation of our feelings. The courting of the other person’s affection is above all else. You are completely fixated on this one person.
And of course this strong feeling, which puts us in a state of euphoria, eventually subsides once you get to know each other better and are sure of the other person’s feelings. Then the feeling of being in love gives way to a deeper feeling:
” Ideally, passionate love develops into a deeper bond. The partner becomes more reliable, more predictable, a safe haven ,” explained Lars Penke.
Being familiar does not mean the end of love.
Many people confuse this second phase of love, in which everything is no longer euphoric but in which everyday life also sets in, with the end of love. They equate this calmer type of love with fading feelings.
But that’s wrong, because it’s all a completely normal process. We couldn’t stay in the initial state of intoxication forever, because it completely tears us apart, both physically and mentally.
When exactly this change in feelings takes place varies from couple to couple. Many couples can maintain the initial tension longer than others.
Be it because they give each other space, because they put in a lot of effort, because they are in a long-distance relationship or whatever. The only thing that is certain is that the change will come – sooner or later.
Why do people still fall out of love?
But what happens when this deep feeling becomes too friendly or even fades away completely? What is behind it when love suddenly disappears? The psychologist’s answer sounds quite pragmatic.
Lars Penke sees the model of the monogamous relationship as a kind of cost-benefit calculation. If the calculation no longer works for one of the two, he will probably draw the consequences.
” If you feel like you can no longer rely on your partner, you no longer get anything out of the relationship; the cost-benefit analysis is negative.”
A very important factor that has to be right for both parties is trust. If that is lost, for example because one person is hiding things from the other, lying to them or cheating, it can massively weaken the relationship.
And the disappointed partner, in turn, will also look at his cost-benefit analysis and ask himself what he still gets out of the relationship.
When you want to fall out of love but can’t
However, if the relationship is going badly, not everyone breaks up. Emotionally unstable people in particular often stay in the relationship because they are afraid of being alone. And they don’t see this as illogical at all.
” They do not fall out of love, but rather their love turns into an anxious, ambivalent form of attachment: they no longer really trust the other person, but they hold on to the relationship. “
And even if you have to break up because the relationship no longer makes sense, you can hardly control your feelings. If you want to fall out of love because you are suffering, then that is usually just as difficult as falling in love.
The feelings do what they want. They are simply still there, no matter how much you wish you could let go.
What helps to fall out of love?
Lars Penke says:
” If you still love your partner after the separation, it is usually because the trust is still there. You still believe that you can rely on them. “
In order to actively fall out of love, you have to break away from this familiarity. And you do this by thinking more about what was negative about the relationship. This increases your own doubts about the relationship and ultimately helps you break away.
“If you can’t break away from your ex-partner, it’s often because you don’t see any alternatives for yourself: you think you have no chance of finding a new partner. ”
And ultimately there is only one thing that helps: get positive feedback, for example when flirting with a new acquaintance, to realize that there are alternatives.
Freshly in love but unhappy: What can you do?
Even without a relationship, feelings are not always easy. How often are you in love and totally hooked on the other person – but they elude you and remain cold.
Even in this early stage of falling in love, it is difficult for us to signal our feelings to stop.
We prefer to lie to ourselves and tend to interpret every little signal from the object of our desire as a feeling and interest. Every little morsel that it throws at us is eagerly taken up. The only problem is that we prolong our suffering unnecessarily.
But even here we wake up at some point, as Lars Penke explains to Onmeda. He compares the feeling of being in love with the flow experience that some people know from computer games:
” The attraction is that the level of demands is perfect: you are challenged, you have to make an effort, but you also have a sense of achievement because you receive encouraging signals.”
As long as our counterpart plays along, we are enthusiastic. But if the other person gives us nothing in return, no friendliness, no flirting signal, nothing, we automatically give up on being in love at some point.
In order to avoid heartbreak and to quickly find a new direction, there is one thing that helps above all: flirting and falling in love again.
